she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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