Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
