Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
