dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hippo gnu deer
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
