so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
