I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
