Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
