I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
