Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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