turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
