the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
