I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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