Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
