We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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