Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
