and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
