The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
