my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
