Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
