I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
