$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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