You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
