my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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