3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
