I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
