Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
