I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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