She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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