Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
