meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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