Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
