well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
im drinking this country out of the recession.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
