U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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