took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
