I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize