I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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