Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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