what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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