Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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