I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
