Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
