The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
