Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
