I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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