Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize