Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
