Having a random hookup so left but love u
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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