I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize