a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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