I just saw a hot homeless man
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
