Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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