I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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