just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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