So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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