So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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