I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
