i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
