You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
smell my finger.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
