I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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