He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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