quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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