I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
