i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ok first of all what the fuck
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
