Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm sobbing to NWA
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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